Growing Pains
Do I have to choose?
We were in the car on the way home from picking her up. She was happy singing along to the music, when she asked a question. It should have never crossed her mind, yet it was already on her heart.
I wish I knew how to better start this blog. I wish I could gently unfold this story for you, but even after living it myself for six years, I still cry and tend to just rip the band aid off when I talk about it. My relief, dare I say joy, is that I am FINALLY talking about it!
There is so much back story to this specific conversion between my daughter and myself , and I have hid that story for so long. Today is not the day I share it with you, but soon. What I am here to share with you is first an apology. I lied to a lot of people. I hid my truth because I didn’t think I was supposed to talk about it. A truth that the world told me to be ashamed of. I left questions unanswered, avoided topics and made excuses. If you are a person that feels like I have lied to you, I am sorry. The truth is I would have told you, I was just ashamed and didn't know how.
The second is the importance of talking about hard things. I really suck at it, but I try to have 20 seconds of outrageous courage which allows me to start the conversation.
It was Thursday evening after I picked Phia up from her dad’s house. Truth bomb #1: Phia has a different dad than Kae. We were enjoying the music with the windows rolled down. I was stopped at a stop light and she asked “Mom, do I have to choose?” I had no idea what she was talking about. For all I know she could be talking about which doll she was going to take to daycare the next day. “What do you mean Pumpkin?”
“Well Daddy Shane says he is my real Dad, but isn’t Daddy Kyle my real dad too? Aren’t they both my Dads? Do I have to choose?” You could hear the confusion and the innocence in her questions. My heart crumbled. I held back my tears as I immediately turned around to face her and grabbed her precious hand. “Baby, no you will never have to choose. You are blessed with two dads who love you so much. What a lucky girl you are.” I let my excitement for her overshadow the pain inside. My five year should not have these questions. She should never feel like she has to choose. I took the opportunity to explain it further to her and remind her that she is so loved.
“Pumpkin, remember when we talked about biological and bonus dads? Well Shane is your biological Dad and Kyle is your bonus Dad. You get TWO dads Phia! And baby, you don’t have to ever choose between them.” I ran the risk of sounding like a broken record because of all the choices she will have to make in this life, this choice was NOT going to be one of them. Truth bomb #2: I made incorrect choices that I pray daily my children don’t suffer from. “Do you understand honey? You can love them both as much as your heart is capable of.” I knew my voice was on the verge of pleading with her, but this was critical. No one can tell you who to love and no one can tell you not to love someone. She owns her feelings and it was important at this age that she begins to hear that affirmation.
The light turned green and I had to put my eyes back on the road, but I kept hold of her hand. “Okay, Mommy,” was all she responded with and then it was onto her next song request. But the conversation, that specific question continued to ring in my head. She knows more than I give her credit for. She hears, sees and picks up on everything around her. Her heart is the biggest, and she was worried about disappointing one of them. At the sweet age of five, she is taking in everyone’s input and deciphering who to listen to. Sweet girl, may you always lead with your heart.
Truth bomb #3: Co-parenting is hard, so check your ego because it is not about you. I wanted to be so angry with the both of them for putting this thought in her head, but I didn’t know those conversations so I needed to keep that emotion in check. Truth be told I don’t handle these things well AT ALL. When we got home I went straight to my bathroom and cried. I just want her to know she is loved. I want her to know she is chosen always and never forgotten. While I know she has so many people that love her, my fear is that she thinks mommy doesn’t want to be with her everyday, that I don’t choose her always. That she has somehow done something wrong. Sophia, I have fought for you everyday and will do so for all my days.
I remember telling people, when no one knew my truth, that God really must have wanted me to have another child because she was not planned (uh duh). Little did they know He watched over her and it is a miracle she is here today. We are only five, almost six, years into this journey and there have been growing pains at every age. I call them that because the challenges, surprises and fears cause us to grow. There is no manual for our journey, but we choose the next right thing as best as we can. And when I say we, I mean this whole crew on all sides.
Sure, I know we are not the only ones with this type of story, but that doesn’t make it less impactful on our lives. People should spend more time talking about how they overcome theses challenges because people need the help. Let’s talk about the conversations co-parents are having because the number of children that come from broken homes, broken parents, broken marriages is only increasing. While my path is not the “morally correct” route, I have fought and will continue to fight that, above all else, both girls knows love and are loved. I have the audacious hope still inside me that love does have the ability to conquer all, but we must show it and speak it.
Get uncomfortable. Speak your truth. Start the conversation. Feel something!
With all my love,
Jess
