Part II- “The Low”
Unexpected Redemption
I didn’t deserve the grace, but He gave it anyways. I was still on the roller coaster of lies and manipulation, but was extended a life line. Who knew that opportunity would lead to my rise.
I think, no actually I know, this part will be harder to tell. It will be more difficult for most to handle. Everyone probably thought having an affair and then getting pregnant during said affair was my lowest of lows. Wrong. Not even close. I’m sure the majority of people thought my web of lies, deceit and manipulation to be of complete disgust. I am here to tell you it got worse. Way worse. They call it rock bottom for a reason.
First, let me tell you a few things before I dive into my lows. And the lows span over several years, so you get the cliff notes version (buy the book for the gory details).
The 3 C’s to know when dealing with an addict:
You didn’t cause it
You can’t change it
You don’t have the cure
No, I’m not that kind of addict so for me that form of addiction is not my low. However, I have an addictive gene in me and what was broken in me was fueled by that gene.
2. I am 100% only here today by the sheer grace of God and one powerful praying Momma.
No one was going to help me out of my hole. Lord, I know they tried but for every attempt they made I dug myself deeper. It was not to spite them. I love them all very much even though part of me was incredibly angry with them (see part 1) and refused their help. I sought my redemption in the wrong places and with a few (not all) wrong people.
3. What was “taken” from me, then became part of my redemption.
Intentional cliff hanger. Keep reading….
Okay, so I had said one of the reasons why I am telling this story is because I have two daughters that have to learn it, and I refuse to let any part of this come from you, a bystander or visitor in my story. This is for me to own, so don’t go spoiling it for me. I currently have no clue how I even unpack this for my girls, but little by little we will get there. What is more important for them to learn, is to NOT repeat my mistake. They don’t need all the inappropriate details. They need to know how I got there and how I am finally overcoming and owning all the twists and turns I took in my life.
I suppose if I did have one request of you, my readers, it would be to be thoughtful of the words you speak about me. Your criticism, judgement, and shaming does reach the ears of my littles and yours. It’s hard enough to look at them and admit that their Momma made poor choices, but they don’t deserve to hear the foul words you may choose to say about me. You have the right to feel whatever way, but please choose your gossip time with only other adults and not in the presence of young minds and ears.
Moving on. I know you are here for the story, so let me pick up kind of where I left off. I had my Pumpkin and kept my mouth shut. The day I was released from the hospital, I lied about going to the chiropractor and went and introduced my baby to her dad. This was a pattern we repeated for months on end. Yep, I let him keep me and her a secret, and yes I kept lying to my husband. Hell, I lied to everyone. I felt as if the people around me could breathe easier if they thought I had moved beyond the baby daddy, and was focused on my marriage and my family.
Folks, I WAS NOT OKAY. The most tormental thing I did to myself was keep quiet about it all! I was so broken on the inside and desperately searching to be enough for someone, anyone. It is no excuse for why I behaved the way I did, but it has given me insight of what not to do going forward.
If you know me, then you know how important my career is to me. At this time in my professional life I was discovering how much I loved social media marketing. We had just launched new social business pages at the company I worked for, and I became engulfed in the concept of how this type of marketing was humanizing the brand and offered a new way of contact for customers. I was a key part of the team that made all of this happen, and I could not be happier to have a place where I felt like I was thriving.
Why does this piece matter to my story? Well I was discovering the new world of social media marketing, which also meant I was very active on social media. Let me put it plainly, before sliding into someone’s DMs was cool to do, I was doing it. I saw by putting myself out there I was getting praise and attention that filled my cup. The attention I desperately sought after, it was my addiction.
Ugh. It has taken me years to admit that little piece. I used to think it was such a shallow explanation, but it’s my ugly truth. It’s the false high I used to keep me going. It was the achilles’ heel that consistently brought my world to its knees. The void of being wanted, needed, and appreciated became my undoing.
One of my lowest of lows is something very few people actually know about…until now. After “meeting” a complete stranger via Facebook, I put myself in an ridiculously stupid and careless situation. The situation you read horror stories about. The type of situation some girls don’t survive. I met him, hours away from home, in a random house with other people (and dudes) around. Clearly, I survived but the encounter left me feeling treated like some low level prostitute, and the more disgusting part…I thought he liked me. He hit it and quit it, making me just another notch on his cocky ass belt.
I had a problem and social media was feeding it. Can I get an amen or a me too?
As previously mentioned, I had a therapist tell me that I was searching for the opportunity. My affair lead me down a slippery slope where I had the power to use my body to gain appeal from the opposite sex, and social media made it easy. This was only putting fuel on a fire that simmered inside me because I had never been “that hot girl.” Hell I lived in the shadow of my supermodel sister and do no wrong brother, so I welcomed the superficial and at times self-sacrificing attention. The funny thing they don’t tell you about addiction is the empty feeling after the high or the rush. You always feel way worse than you did before. Compound that emptiness with the massive secret I was already keeping and you have the recipe for a disaster. Again…the free fall of the roller coaster.
Now, I don’t know if we share the same beliefs, but God works in the most mysterious ways, and while I did not understand at the time, I can look back now and see how He had His hand in all of this.
I spilled the beans about the dude from Facebook (again I’m really awful at keeping secrets) and my family orchestrated an intervention. Yes, that kind of intervention. The one where you walk into a room and everyone is waiting for you, and you had no idea. I was so pissed. I hated every second of it, and yet inside I knew I was in a world of trouble and needed saving. I agreed to terms that made me feel like a child, with one of them being I had to delete all my social media accounts. I was furious! This was my lifeline, my connection to a stepping stone in my career, a part of my identity. I was mad as hell, yet I seceded. My brother and I together deleted all my accounts except Twitter. I begged to keep it for work purposes. I really was NOT meeting people on that platform, which was the honest truth.
The thing I clung to was now ripped away from me, but so was the temptation.
Now I would love to say that life got way better and I was on the up and up, but that low wasn’t my breaking point (be on the lookout for part 3). However, it did become part of my redemption. With social media, God had bigger plans in store for me. What I once used to feed my addiction, I now use as an outlet to help others. My job is literally to help other people and companies make more money using digital marketing platforms such as social media.
Oh, the irony. I really do think God is hilarious at times. I’m sure there have been numerous occasions when He has looked down, laughed at me and then smiled knowing He had so much greater in store.
I remember the look of shock and doubt on family members’ faces when I told them I was going to be working at a social media marketing company. I mean I can’t really blame them, I would have questioned me too. However, little by little I gained their trust and respect in the work I did. The company I worked for opened up a whole new world for me, as I discovered how much I loved learning about businesses, being connected in the community and the power of a voice I could bring to a brand. I no longer sought after the use of social media for my own purposes, but to push organizations further and feel like I was making an impact for them. This fulfillment proved to be a much longer lasting joy, than the simple high of someone’s attention.
Even though my personal life was still a disaster, my worth was being satisfied by my professional drive. Don’t worry, there is still plenty of trouble I will find myself in, even while my career was thriving. There were still ghosts I hadn’t confronted, and lies I still kept hidden. What it is important to know about Part 2 is that with every tragedy or story of destruction, there is always redemption.
There is always hope.
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done…” Genesis 50:20
While my professional life was booming, my personal life was failing. Who you met in a business setting was not who you would know in a personal situation. I lived two different lives, and was heading fast to a fork in the road. One of things I avoided the most was making a decision, but then I was forced to choose a path.
Part 3…
