Part III: I Closed the Book

RIP to the Old Me

Well this ending wasn’t planned, but are they ever? Thank you for coming on this journey with me. It may not have been life changing for you, but it was for me.

I didn’t know this was going to be part 3, but here we are. When I started cliff-noting almost a decade of my life in a blog, over the course of 2 years, the ending had a good chance of changing from what I thought it was going to be when I first started out. And goodness, I did not see this one coming but damn does it feel good. It’s like letting out a breath you were holding and finally filling your lungs again with fresh air.

This is where I close the book.

Why and what book am I talking about? Yes, I already hear your questions and confusion stirring up. Technically, this is what I am trained to do, predict your questions and also encourage them. Every good storyteller leaves her audience with more questions than answers. She gives her reader just enough information only for them to desire more. Ready for more?

So why, you ask? Why am I closing the book…because it no longer serves me.

Here I say good-bye to that version of me. The version cast on me, whispered about be me, the one shame clung to me, the shallow-empty person of me.

GOOOD-BYE, good-bye, good-bye!

See I have riddled a piece of a story for you in the first two blogs. One very much exposing and confirming my truth that I had hidden. However, sunshine in human form can not be kept in the shadows. The second took a deep dive into the lows of being lost and controlled by fear, yet being redeemed with the same outlets I had once let destroy me. I wrote with a jaded perspective, anger and a lot of hurt that I let shame tell me I did not deserve to have. Shame lied and said my feelings were not valid because of the hurt I caused. Love said I was forgiven and deserved to be seen, heard and validated. In case you didn’t know…love always wins.

Now, I had this whole plan laid out as to how these three blogs were to go because one day I know this is going to be a book. I still know it will be. However, over the course of the last 2 years, I changed (thank goodness, right?). With that change came a different perspective, a forgiveness I owed myself, and the reality that this was no longer who I was. This story no longer served me, and quite frankly I hated opening it to past memories of pain and writings out of pure anger, disgust and empty feelings. I mean have you read some of my poems? Sheesh, there is some bottled up frustration.

I know, what book? What book am I referring to?

The book of my past, scribbled on the pages of a journal(s) and yes, that other book too.

I recognize it’s not recommended to release the cover of your book, that you don’t plan to publish, to the world on social media. However, if someone is going to steal my idea then I guess it’s safe to say it was a good one. Nonetheless, this book served its purpose in my life. I wrote it. All of it. I couldn’t be more proud to have accomplished that dream of mine. I get to own the title of author, even if no one but myself ever reads the whole book. For now enjoy the cover and title. Let curiosity stir in you. Then maybe, someday, Mandy will tell her story to the world.

As for the two journals…I told that hurt girl, the one who was so lost and broken, that I loved her. I thanked her for doing the best she could, for pouring out her heart on those pages and being brave enough to keep moving forward. Then I placed the book on the shelf and closed the door on the part of my life.

There is never a single chapter in one’s life that will define them, and yet I had let one story out of a chapter haunt and shame me for years. Now I look ahead to the pages and chapters that are unwritten, and know it won’t look like the past for I am not her anymore. Even though she did help me become who I am today.

I really did imagine part 3 being longer and a greater story about how I rose from the ashes of my shortcomings. I realize now that what’s behind me is just that…behind me.

For the best still lies ahead and is yet to come.