Writing Saved My Life
The Future is Unwritten
The chapter your life is currently in is not the entire story. Writing has allowed me to continue my story. It saved me when I had no one else to turn to, and has allowed my creativity to be ignited again.
Join me as I dive into the feels today because this is important. Writing is not for everyone and I respect that, but for many it is a way to make a living, an expression, a remarkable story and for others it is feelings on a paper. I am one of the lucky few that encompass all of those things as a writer. Most people who know me would say I am a very emotional person. I accept that and don’t view it as a negative aspect of my personality. My emotions are strong in every direction. Since I allow myself to feel them so deeply I am able to write in ways that help others feel theirs too.
I did not know this about myself at the young age of eight when I started writing. What I did know is that I loved to write. I loved exploring my imagination and how I could put words to the pictures I created in my head. What terrified me was sharing this with people. Thus, the reason I have dozens of journals. This became my haven for my stories, my truth, my heart and my secrets. One embarrassing truth for you, I have an entire journal where I signed every journal entry with “Awesome Blossom.” I loved the idea of having an alias for my writing. In my head I believed if someone found the journal they surely would not know it was me that wrote those things. Oh geez, was I a girl living in the clouds or what!
Through the throws of growing up, my writing would be inconsistent and very random. However, one theme seemed to always reoccur. I wrote the most when I was in my feelings or emotionally ignited. I have reread entries countless times and I can still feel what is written on the page. It was my Sophomore year in high school when my journals really turned into my conversations with God. I was heavily involved in my youth group and something changed in my spirit when I started writing down notes from each Wednesday night sermon. I could pinpoint out the areas where God was really speaking into my life. It made it easier to share my thoughts and heart knowing I was talking to someone who already knew the truth. There was no sense in hiding anything from Him. To this day I have a specific journal for devoted soley to Sunday sermons. It’s treated like my second Bible.
So far this blog sounds like writing was my past time hobby and my prayer time with God. Yes, both are true and incredibly important because I would learn this to be a trusted place for me. It is somewhere that no one could tell me I was wrong or negate my feelings, opinions, and pain. Growing up I learned you could not always trust your closest friend to keep your dark secret. I learned that people did not understand what it was like to be a big dreamer. They would say I didn't live in reality. I also learned that I showed up for people who wouldn’t show up for me. I was called the peacekeeper, but who kept that peace for me? Where was my place to be me?
There is absolutely no doubt that us females go through a time in our lives when we are trying to be whatever someone wants us to be. We want to fit into the box that was our youth, we try and make friends again, we become wives and mommies, we chase a career, go on lavish vacations, be part of a country club…you fill in the blank. Everywhere we turn someone is telling us what we should or shouldn’t do, and to our demise we listen.
When you begin to live your life by everyone else’s standards you get lost. You lose you. Your truest you. For me that was my voice…my writing.
Life got real ugly for me. I was chasing attention, craving to be desired, and searching for an identity. Do you know how ugly of a person you become when you let someone else’s opinion define you? Control you! I weaved this chaotic web of lies thinking it’s what people wanted from me. Trying to keep tabs on who expected what, and what story I told to make up for this other thing I did wrong. I think for a brief period I didn’t know how to tell the truth. I lived in constant fear and shame, yet, no one knew what I was masking by the smile I plastered to my face.
Then I really exploded my world (more on that later). The control I let others have over my life became extreme, and the whisper of a voice I had completely vanished.
I think the worst advice I ever received was to be quiet. To act as if it didn’t happen. To silence my voice, opinions, pain and feelings. I killed myself abiding by all the rules other set for me. At one point my therapist (I like to call him my crazy doctor) said I was being treated as if I was a 16 year old who got caught in the back seat with a boy, when in reality I was a grown ass woman. Yet, I remained silent.
Can I share one piece of advice…NEVER stay silent when you are dying inside.
I turned to no one. I hadn’t found my champions yet. My journals remained untouched in my night stand. I basically hid them. As if I couldn’t trust them with my words either. Then one day I was in TJMaxx. You know in the check out isle where they always have an assortment of last minute things you absolutely need that you didn’t know you needed until you were waiting in line to check out? Well it was there they had a display of journals. One in particular caught my eye. I have always loved the song “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield. I’m a words person so naturally I love a song about writing your story. “No one else can speak the words on your lips,” “today is where your book begins.” The notebook was navy and white with the words “The Future is Unwritten” in gold letters across the front.
It clicked and I grabbed the book instantly. My freaking future is unwritten!!! I don’t know if you believe in signs but I sure as heck do! This book belonged in my life and I could not wait to fill its pages. My past was controlling me, people were controlling me, but ONLY ME could put my feelings in this book. NO ONE could take that away from me. No one could tell me what my future would hold. Friends, there is power in knowing that!
Quick check in with reality. Did this simple journal make all my problems go away, no. Did it fix everything that was messed up with me, no. However, it did save my life.
Writing saved my life. I remembered the trusted place I turned to for so many years that allowed me to be me. It allowed me to pour out my pains and feelings. It let me tell the truth! And like they say…the truth shall set you free.
Please understand I am now several years into finding that journal, and I still messed up so much between then and now. I poured out all my thoughts into that journal and when I look back I wince at the pain and hurtful things I had to say. However, as I began to get the words out of my heart, I began the ability to tell my therapist the truth. Yes, I withheld and even at times lied to my therapist. I mean who does that? Fear is a damaging emotion folks and it held me captive for so long. Truthfully, there are parts of me that are still bound by it, but writing out truths and finding my voice has continued to allow me to break that fear and shame off my life. I ruined so many relationships, hurt people and lied to everyone. It’s downright disgusting when I think about it, but there was no one I trusted so I let people choose who I became and followed the voice they made for me. Through writing I took that control back.
So what’s the moral of the story? I know how I got lost…I became voiceless. For me, I refuse to ever be silenced again. Everyday I have to be courageous to speak my voice. To own my truth even when it’s hard for others to hear it. It’s a process and one that I have NOT mastered. I screw up everyday and get grace to do it all again the next day. Also, I will always write. I have big dreams and aspirations for my writing, but for the past several years it has been my sanctuary, my prayer time, my healing. It allows me to process before word vomiting all over my people, which I am sure they can appreciate. I know I am blessed with the ability to put intense emotion into my writing and it is my hope that someday people will connect with it.
Last thought…if you are that person dying on the inside, letting fear control you, find your safe haven. You are too precious to waste away.
With all my love,
Jess
